Parenthood, a call to be better than yourself

What makes a good parent? Why should we even want to be parents? Lastly what is the purpose of a parent. We started this week of by thinking to ourselves what the purpose of parenting really is. I personally think there are so many more reasons than just one as to what the parents purpose truly is. One, I think a parent has the responsibility to raise children to be better than they are and to surpass them so the world can become a better more wonderful place to be as we wait for our Savior to return again. How do we do this is the real question? Second I think the purpose of a parent is also to provide safety for a child so it can grow and learn in an environment they can survive and thrive in. This means mostly for the newborn who can't do anything on it's own, making sure that the newborn can survive to an age where they can do more to take care of themselves. As they grow we allow more freedom of choice as long as it is safe so they can become "agents unto themselves". Third I think a parent is there to make sure a child has tools necessary to make correct decisions. When there is no right or wrong we want to be able to train a child so they can decide what is good, better or best.

There are many more ways to parent than just one but in class this week we really stressed the importance of allowing a child to learn from their own decisions as long as there is no danger or as long as the consequences of a decision are to far in the future to be of benefit to the child. Punishment and reward are manipulative ways of parenting and will never yield the exact desired result. We used the example of Sunday school with young children. If you offer a candy for every right answer (reward) then they will only come up with answers to receive the candy. We can instead just let them have the natural consequence of feeling good from a good gospel centered discussion based on truth. It can get in the way of even feeling the spirit. To conclude I really just want to be the best parent I can and I am grateful for the doctrine of Christ and the simple family facts that ring true and can keep this world from falling downward into a place where families are not priority. They are the most important unit in eternity and mortality and this is why I study marriage and family.

We have another way of teaching a child if they cant learn from natural consequences. They can learn from logical consequences  that have a result close and similar to what would happen naturally. Doing things for no reason or without the child understanding is one of the biggest mistakes we can make as parents.

Another great thing we can do for our children is set a good example of problem solving between spouses. We should let them see that we are not perfect and do have disputes but that we can handle things without blowing things way out of proportion from what the situation really is. We should always council together so the children do not pit parent against parent. It is dire and crucial that we respect our children enough to give them enough "vitamin n" also known as the no word. They do not have to always get what it is they want and it is actually a really bad thing and habit the world today falls for.

Family, Finances, Fatherhood, following God's plan

 This week has been a wonderful week that has given me insight to why I want this line of work in family science. We are all blogging differently this week to get more personal and factual as well. I found an article on google simply by searching "fatherhood articles" and learned so much. I searched several articles and ended up choosing one from a website called Focus on the Family.com.  
here is the actual link for anyone who reads this; https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/parenting-roles/the-involved-father/fathers-matter

It lists out ways the father is unique and important for the development of the child.
The first thing this article teaches that stood out to me is that fathers both play and parent differently. The spirit testified of the worldly and divine truth behind this statement. This is why mothers and fathers are both so important and needed in this world. We men tend to be more aggressive and seek to teach in a tough loving way. The article says that men tickle more, they throw kids in the air, and have more aggressive fun with children where mothers would say "not so high!! or be careful!!"
Children learn the difference between fun aggression and over the top. The father disciplines differently usually more harshly.

Another point made is that a father gives confidence. The father is the one who encourages the child to push a little harder or push their limits to be the best they can, this is why I have read that those with fathers tend to have higher income and better careers. They learn to be competitive rather than to be super safe and secure, they can take more risks.

Fathers, sometimes without knowledge of this can prepare children better for the harshness of the real world where a mother would secure and protect from the world.

My favorite and the most important point to me is that a father is an example to his child of what a real man is and should be, his girls know how to find a good real man rather than just a sexual partner and boys learn how to treat women and work hard for family each and every day.

I grew up without a father but with my grandfather, grandmother and mom. My grandpa was an amazing man with his flaws no doubt but who made sure I wasn't weak when fighting the real world. He was tougher on me as a teen but as a child until then we were best buddies. I missed out on having a real father in my life because of the house my mom was raised in. When she grew up my grandpa was a drinker and not too good at all. My childhood was full of soberness and a clean grandpa who has repented. Because of the upbringing she had the man who co-created me was terrible and did not stay. It can effect entire generations and I truly believe it takes Jesus Christ and humility to overcome generational barriers. Constant repentance is key and I know that being in this field of study will help me to overcome these barriers with facts and knowledge. Knowledge is the power needed to become a good father along with an open heart and love, true deep love for my wife. That love I am lucky to develop each day.

I don't have an active example of what a man is in my life because of the missing man in my childhood, but I learned from father figures and plan to learn from research and the gospel what a real man is. I love this class and I love being able to be the man I never had. I know there will be mistakes and challenges beyond my control but I will always strive to be my very very best.

Stress and Conflict, how do we deal with it?

In an ever changing world there are more and more ways we can become entrapped in Satan's friend, contention with our spouse. We have so many ways to communicate and receive messages. No two people will receive messages the same, some may take one sentence and have no reaction where another may receive the same with anger or frustration. In class this week we discussed different ways we give and receive messages. There are so many types of media such as the good old fashioned talking to each other or even a letter. Now we even have phones, texting, email, social media, skype, facetime, and each of these can be refined and broken down as well.

These all can cause some significant problems though if we aren't careful. There is more than just the simple message. Just as a little child's voice is higher piched so are the messages we give in different variations. The words are just the surface, what about the tone when we speak? The same thing with different tones can convey just about every single emotion there is. We are also missing the tone when it is just a simple text. We jump to conclusions and can miss what was really meant. Lastly we have non-verbal things that are gestures. To quickly go over some tools we can use I won't go into too much detail. Suffice it to say that these when followed can solve or almost fix any relationship. Question is, do you want to fix some relationships? 

Step 1. Disarming technique:   If we get defensive then the point is moot and nothing will get solved.
                                                 the best we can do is focus on fragments of truth regardless of how                                                           hurtful the other person conveys. Just focus on the real.
Step 2. Express empathy:         Thought empathy is reflective listening and trying to understand then                                                       feeling empathy is trying to see why they would feel how they do and                                                     agree.
Step 3. Inquire:                         Did I get that right? is this how you feel?

Step 4. I feel statement:            I feel_____ because___ I would like _______ 
                                                 (Use event+feelings+reason+reason for feeling=hopes)
Step 5. is to convey respect:    This is self explanatory we just need to truly convey that we want to fix                                                   things and that they are not stupid or bad


There are only 3 options in any relationship as far as conflict is concerned.
Improve the relationship by applying anything you can
You can get more distant from that person
Or you can choose to do absolutely nothing and live with the problem. 

The following class period still on this topic we mostly focused on making decisions together and the conflict that can come. There are also some methods we have all seen play a part somehow in our lives. One way is specializing in certain aspects of the relationship and saying you do this I do that. Another way is compromising where we learned both parties are working to get what they want giving up just enough so they can get their wishes. Obviously when it is put like that it makes sense why it is a bad thing. We learned and understand now that coming to a consensus is much better. We forget our own wants and needs to come to the right conclusion even if no one wants it. Being here at BYUI that meant to follow Heavenly Father's will instead of our own. Regardless of faith however the principle remains the same. Counseling is the very best way to work our issues out.

You start counsel method by love and appreciation, followed by prayer that invites the spirit then you discuss to a consensus so you can figure His will out. After you pray for confirmation and out of thanks to Him. You finish again with love appreciation and something unifying. The Quorum of the 12 Apostles and First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints uses chocolate.

In the end just focus on perspective and do your best to include one another in everything so you can be "as one flesh".

Is sexual intimacy important in marriage?

This week in Family relations class I learned about sexual intimacy. There is a proper time and a place for all things. As it says in Ecclesiastes chapter three verse one, "to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the Heaven" we have learned through both gospel and statistical teachings that the "time and purpose" for sexual intimacy is for us only within the bonds of a legal and lawful marriage. We learned about both healthy sex and unhealthy sex. A healthy sex life includes, being comfortable, accepting and embracing the other person, it includes respect, restraint, selflessness, and full emotional engagement. Unhealthy sex is basically the opposite of everything I just mentioned. When we are exposed (as we all are inevitably will be) to images or thoughts of lust, people often turn to being selfish. The best most fulfilling way to be successful is to focus entirely on your partner and trust them to do the exact same thing. After all a good marriage is when both people are adjusting, changing, and becoming better together. It is always a team effort even outside of sexual activity. Sometimes everything outside the bedroom is most important to having a good sex life however, sometimes sex itself can heal all wounds and bring a couple closer. Sex really can save a marriage if done right in the time and places necessary. We discussed and learned that women need to feel safe and loved in order to give of themselves to a partner, almost an exact opposite to the man who needs sex to feel loved. Why are we built this way? It seems that would actually cause problems rather than facilitate fixing them. Just as the Book of Mormon teaches, there needs be an opposition in ALL things. This is actually a blessing we are built this way so the man can show more love and support in the home, the man has to give selflessly which is against the "natural man" in all of us. Woman does not receive much pleasure from PVI (I will leave it at that) rather from a spot further upwards, this is again so we all can forget the natural and be supernatural. We can be better and more Christlike. I never thought Christlike attributes would play such a part in what the world makes seem so devilish but it truly is and ought to be a beautiful amazing wonderful Godly thing. I plead with whoever comes across this to serve others in every way and develop greater love for all. Only by developing and nurturing true selfless love can we expect to experience strong joy from marital sexual and normal intimacy. I have never realized or understood how special this part of marriage could be. Traditional sex statistically brings more joy than any other type of sex in marriage, being clean in pure is essential. It is strange but the world is distorting everything we think about sex. Pornography is rampant in society and we learned in class even the twilight saga is pornographic and that marriage and family councilors even tell wives to avoid it like pornography. Tv and movies all teach us falsehoods about what should be brought back to our Heavenly Father. There is a thing called the good girl syndrome where woman of faith are avoiding sex and running from it because for so long we are taught sex is bad. Even when they are in every right to and even should have sexual intimacy they are afraid it is sinful or devilish. We need to change the way we teach people about sex but we should not lessen its need for being within marriage. It is spiritual and should be saved but also looked forward to and not a bad thing. We should strive to be close in every way with our loved spouse. We need to respect but reverence the creative power we are given to use freely in legal and lawful marriage.

Family Diversity

   The world is full of families of all sizes and types. One of the things we talked about this week was how there are many social classes involved in the world, we have upper class, middle class, and lower class. In each and every class we are seeing less and less marriage and parenthood, we all are influenced in one way or another by those celebrities who are put in a spotlight. Parenthood is happening often before people marry and these relationships are more unstable for children. Also in each class I have noticed, (especially after watching parts of the documentary "People Like Us: Social Class in America.") that when someone is in a lower class or lower middle class they have difficulty overcoming their current state and repeat or do not get much further than their parents. One particular account in the documentary showed us the life of a woman named Tammy, her dream was to eventually quit working for burger king and go back to school so she could become a school teacher. Because of her place in society she had difficulty with one of her sons and his lack or respect for her. He was embarrassed of where he lived and how things were. His mother was a hardworking woman and I had so much love for her as I watched. It followed up on their story 12 years later and they had moved to a slightly nicer part of town but Tammy was still working at burger king at minimum wage not able to progress much. Tammy's children had children outside of marriage and the older son who had issues respecting his mom had to drop out of school to take care of his new family, thus perpetuating their social status. 
      
       Later I watched a story of a man who grew up in a middle class home and being a part of many of the baby boomers, he made it to upper middle class or upper class. In his story he took us through a store where those from his class would shop, he showed us items he never would have considered growing up. He spoke of how his mom loved concrete lawn ornaments because she never was able to actually have any of those things younger, he said that they were considered taboo in his class and tacky. Each group of people is effected by those around them and all groupings of people have stereotypes and things expected of them. 

    Our second half of the week, we discussed Immigrant families coming from mexico (specifically illegal immigrants to the United States) and the difficulties they face socially, economically and the massive impact on the family that comes with it. Often times the father alone will come across the border to find work and establish a home, most families expect 6 to 12 months away before all could come with but it usually ends up being 3 to 5 years before the family is reunited. Mothers are forced to become the head of the house and children can lose respect for their absent dad. Fathers in the U.S are working hard doing everything for the family but aren't making much money and cannot do the jobs they used to do in Mexico. They can't be hired by companies even if their degrees were recognized and they don't know English all that well. They work among those of a similar situation and therefore don't learn nearly as much as they expected. When the family does come, the children become much more independent and struggle having respect because as students they will pick up English quickly. There is a trauma in moving let alone leaving all possessions and beginning a new life entirely. Culture gets mixed with a new generation and there are gaps between the older and the younger. In class I thought and someone asked, "why do they do it then?" and the answer was simply because they wanted their children to have opportunity, a chance to grow and be better. Isn't that what we all want?

      Each individual family has its own culture and its own unique impact on the world. We should desire to find that lasting joy in the family that is available to every social lass and seek to help those individuals that are in need. I am loving this class and hope my blog posts in the future can become more refined and impact those who do read it.

     

Week two of blogging! This weeks learning was called "Understanding Family Dynamics and Theories." We observed as a class certain ways families behave and a few of the theories that social scientists have come up with to describe these interactions. Our first task was to prepare a list of unspoken rules that we have seen in our upbringing. I struggled to actually come up with any at first, but after hearing my classmates with theirs, I really started to remember some. My favorite, and most applicable answer, was that as a child, we could never say that we were bored because our parents always found ways to keep us busy. Our Professor mentioned in his family he would not be allowed to ask for things he wants, rather he was expected to work and hope for that reward he wants. In one of my friends families, she always had to call her mom and tell her where you were going regardless of how long so she would not "freak out". The list goes on and on. Even to this day, I do not say I am bored for fear of what used to follow that phrase.

The first theory we learned about was called conflict theory. It is the thought that people interact based on power, control, authority, influence, or force. One party is always on top and the other fighting to take control. It is not meaning violence or abuse necessarily, but it means that when a decision is made, one is victorious and the other succumbs to the other.

Systems theory is all about those unspoken rules I briefly touched upon earlier. The culture of a family, the rules and roles of members of a family are all examples. It is about each individual playing a part in a system, everyone has something to contribute and we know how to effectively contribute based on the kind of feedback we receive.

Exchange theory is a 50%, 50% mentality. Because I put this much into the relationship I can expect this much out. We learned and discussed how each member of a relationship should input 100% because no one is perfect and we all will vary with how much we actually contribute so we should help each other always make up the difference. For a while, many counselors would help marriage problems using this theory, but we realized that this alone can cause a person to be manipulative if only going 50% and 50%.

Symbolic interaction theory is one that I still need some brushing up on with understanding, but it implies that every action and expression a person makes has a deeper meaning and, in my experience, I am wrong so much of the time. I see an expression my wife makes and think she is mad at me, but in actuality, she is really just daydreaming. We often do not understand simply because we are not from the same family system we learned our expressions from.

This week was a really great way to start noticing how families act in public and with each other. At work, I was able to observe children playing with materials we have laid out on our desk and how parents respond in giving feedback. I also saw children picking things up that fell on the floor so they could give it to me and the reward, or approval, that came from the parent. I had the experience to see wives spend fortunes on adorable goods that the husband found redundant and how he treated her with kindness and love regardless. There were husbands spending large amounts of money on kayaks or large outdoor equipment where I saw his wife rolling her eyes, but respecting his wants and still full of love.

I know that the family system is the most important unit in society and the way we raise the upcoming generations will impact us all. I know that these unspoken rules are here for a reason and we should seek the best ways to build others up in our family.

For anyone reading my blog please post some examples of unspoken rules in the comments. It is really fun to learn about some of these rules we have in our families and how they shape us as adults.

Weeks one and two, truths behind the family unit

This is the beginning of my journey into family studies and I think this class will inspire some deep thought. I will do my best to cover 2 weeks worth of very important information for the family. This course is a sample course where we research studies that have been performed in family science that help shape the family and as a result shape the world.

Our first assignment was to review and study an article regarding APA brief used in the Supreme Court to shape the way the world views families. The Brief says and affirms that ‘‘Not a single study has found children of lesbian or gay parents to be disadvantaged in any significant respect relative to children of heterosexual parents’’. This claim is NOT backed by reliable studies. The biggest thing from this that I have learned is that we as individuals need to look deeper into everything these days. If you have a political, social, religious or any strong, firm belief we need to avoid opinion and seek for deeper truth. I learned about sampling procedures like having large sample sizes, representative samples, and avoiding convenience samples. There are many more things to learn but just breaking down these three examples we see real problems with what is supposed to be a very credible source(The American Psychological Association).

My favorite poorly done sample was conducted in 1999 by Crawford et al.
This was all about the effects of lesbian and gay parenting on children and the audience sampled was
"388  Psychologists attitudes". There was no comparison group, and it seems very convenient to just ask colleagues instead of the actual subject of interest.

A study done by Patterson in 1994 had 66 lesbian and gay parents describe the social and sexual identity of their children. There was no one sampled in comparison so we can't say anything to confirm or deny the APA brief claim, ‘‘Not a single study has found children of lesbian or gay parents to be disadvantaged in any significant respect relative to children of heterosexual parents’’.

The list of poorly conducted research goes on and on with only a few truly effective samples. This article actually shows us the 7th largest study done by Sarantakos (1996), but with critiques from the APA because it's findings are very different from their original claim. The study was done of 58 children of heterosexual married parents, 58 children of heterosexual cohabiting couples, and 58 children living with homosexual couples, it is one of the few that have unbiased research, large sample size, and "socially significant criteria".

I was shocked to see the findings. They asked teachers about performance of each of these children in school, achievement in math class had heterosexual children rated at 7.9 and homosexual children at 5.5, english was 7.7 and 5.5 and it goes on. All of these eye opening lessons I've shared are found in the article "Same-sex parenting and children’s outcomes: A closer examination of the American psychological association’s brief on lesbian and gay parenting" by Loren Marks from Louisiana State University, 341 School of Human Ecology, Baton Rouge, LA 70803, United States.


This week we watched a documentary called "Demographic Winter". It was all about how a book, "the Population Bomb" effected society and helped contribute to lower birth rates, fertility rates, and marriage rates in the world. The book "The Population Bomb" was about there being too many people on the planet to sustain and how "babies are killing us". Written in 1968 it predicts worldwide famine in the 70's and 80's. Instead of this happening as predicted something much more interesting is being discovered. Social scientists and other scientists are now noticing that populations in almost every country of the world is either declining or about to. Although immigration helps a country sustain it's population for a time it doesn't change the observations we see of the world population decreasing. The elderly are living longer with advances in medicine but fewer and fewer children are being born to take care of those older generations meaning they will have to work harder and smarter than ever before seen.

Now more than ever before the definition of family and the blessings that come from a Nuclear Family are being lost or changed drastically. My intent is to learn and show my generation how important the family is for the world, and to help maintain the true definition of family.

Hi Everyone! My name is Cordell and I have created this blog so I can track my learning and inspiration from the class "Family Relations" that I am currently taking at Brigham Young university in Idaho. 

A little about my family, I was born and raised in a city near Los Angeles in Southern California called La Puente. I was raised by a single hardworking mother and my two awesome grandparents. I served a mission in the Canada Vancouver mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and during my mission after the passing of my grandfather my mom relocated to Peoria Illinois to be closer to her other children. Those other children my siblings are my brother Chris, and my two sisters Erin and Sarah. Now I am happily and newly married to the love of my life Michealah. We were married April 19th 2019 (one week ago yesterday) and now I want to not only bless the lives of many families but the life of my new family I am starting with my wife. This is me, I have my hobbies and character traits but family is number one, I look forward to sharing the truth about the Sacred Family unit.